You Can’t Fix People …
…You can only fix yourself.
You are not responsible for anyone. You cannot save them from themselves. It is simply not your work. This makes things challenging for us when we are involved with people who may need a bit of guidance. It’s human nature to want to help and it’s also human nature to want people to act in a way that makes you happy, but life doesn’t work that way. You have to let people be who they are and if who they are doesn’t work for you, it might be time to make a different choice.
The road to misery is paved with those who have set up unrealistic expectations of their partners or what’s worse, have tried to change their partner’s behavior outright. When people tell you who they are, BELIEVE THEM and don’t spend time trying to change them. It doesn’t work. It only succeeds in frustrating you and depleting you of your positive energy and life force.
Everyone has their own work to do. Yours is to focus on your life lessons and spend less time trying to improve upon others’ lessons. If you try to do the work for others, not only will you exhaust yourself and be left feeling very resentful, but you will disempower them to do their own work and they will only end up shutting down to you. What you try to fix and save will surely backfire on you.
If you truly want to “fix” people and make them into “better versions of themselves”, inspire them to do the work themselves. You do this by being the best version of who you are everyday – loving yourself and making the highest choice for yourself even if it means walking away from less than desired behavior. Set an example of integrity for them to follow. This also means refraining from complaining, whining and launching frontal attacks when you are not getting your way, or worse, shutting down and disengaging when you don’t want to deal. These are childish tactics that never yield the benefit sought.
Don’t expect people to be OTHER than who they are. Don’t kid yourself into thinking they will change. Don’t buy into the potential you see in them. Accept them for who they are and what they are willing to give you OR DON’T. Life is too short to spend your time doing other’s work. It’s not yours to do and they will not appreciate it. Do the math, you are the one who loses. Learn to love yourself enough to let people simply be who they are.
– Donnalynn Civello, Executive Director Ethereal Wellness, CHHC, AADP
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